I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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