You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
