There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
