Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
