Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
