meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
