You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
