me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
