woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
