I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
