my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
only you would photoshop your dick
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
