I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
