im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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