dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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