advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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