god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
