You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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