i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
