If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
