Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
