Got a toothbrush?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
