You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
