Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
