well I can't set my house on fire every night
he thought i was a dude.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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