The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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