I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
