it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
