If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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