so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
