I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
