Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
