I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
