i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
