So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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