if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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