sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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