Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
