good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
