Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
