Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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