so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
