I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
