i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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