duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
