I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Randomize
