...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Houston, we have a squirter
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
