The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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