Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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