This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
