All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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