When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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