I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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