getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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